Walking on Water – Not Just for Jesus Anymore

• Liquid mountaineering – AKA the sport of walking on fucking water!
• Alicia Keys’ new video on interracial dating throughout the decades, “Un-thinkable (I’m Ready),”  is pretty sweet.
• 15 shwaaaasted celebs! Including great videos of a wasted Dubya Bush and Amy Winehous cradling tiny baby mice in a crack induced haze.

Oh, BriBrit! SO adorable. We were hesitant to put this photo up without a disclaimer.

• Five star Norwegian prison.

Norwegian Prison Luxury

• Laura Bush is pro-choice and pro-gay marriage? OH Reeeeeeally.

• Tea Party checklist.

“16. bitches who think their man love them but get pregnent and be left alone.”

Waving Wombat

• Rich bitch spends obscene amounts of money/time on bald rat. (article/photos)
• Types of bitches – found on the floor of a third grade classroom. Instant classic. “60. Stanky fishy coche smelling bitches.” (photos/post)
• Several Disneyland Paris employees commit suicide. What a Mickey Mouse operation! (article)

Kal Penn

• Kal Penn is quitting his White House job to make a third Harold & Kumar movie. (article)
• Link between apes and humans found. Surprisingly, it isn’t my Uncle Steve.  (article/photo)
• Everyone, get your pitchforks and torches – Google did NOT have an Easter-themed logo for the fifth year in a row. Oh là là! (article)

“They inevitably result in pestilent, humanity-destroying plagues.”

A little bit hung over. Enjoy.

Khloe Kardashian flashes papz in Miami in the style of girls-gone-wild.

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Completely unnecessary giant Lego tarantula. (photo)

School gives little kids power, is surprised that they are abusing it. (article)

How the pursuit of booze could’ve killed every living life form in the 1990s.

The new Salt (Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber) trailer:

Okay, now that we have sufficiently amused you, I’m going to jump in the shower and wash off the spermicide, vomit and the alcohol I’ve been sweating all day. Cheers!

P.S.: This guy added one of the girls on Facebook. BAHAHAHA. ‘s okay  – at least it wasn’t a photo of La Lohan, right?

Creepo Facebook Stalker Guy

Lindsay Lookin' Gooooood

JUST KIDDING. We’d never miss an opportunity to kill your eyes.

“Is Obama shagging hookers behind the media’s back?”

• Little boy realizes he’s not a single lady. =(
• Ugly Betty is a hottie without those gross braces. New episode is up! (video)

America Ferrera's one hot bitch

• Anna Paquin is half gay. (videos/article)
• Fucktard kills a doctor in church for performing abortions, claims God made him do it. (article)
• Are you an iPad, an iPhone or an iPod? (article)
• HILARIOUS Pac-Man trailer. (video)
• Don’t fuck with New Yorkers and their In-N-Out burgers. (article/photo)
• Steve Carell is a real weatherman for about a minute. (video)
• Heidi and Spencer change their names to “White Wolf” and “Running Bear.” Native Americans are pissed off. All other groups glad Speidi didn’t pick them. (article)
• Dude really likes his fish filet from McDonalds. MUNCHIES! Oh, Jersey. (video)
• What people really do on Easter. (graph)
• Miley Cyrus’ movie sucks. O RLY? (article)
• Pope cannot testify at sex abuse trials because he has immunity as head-of-state. Gay. (article)
• Doctor tells people that voted for President Obama to fuck off. In other news, Republicans are fucking assholes. (article)
• Spanish airline hostesses get naked. Here are the photos. (article/photos)
• John Stewert shits on CNN for hiring partisan Erick Erickson. Great footage of Larry King acting like an old geezer, too. “CNN’s like the guy at the strip club who says, ‘I’m gonna hang out but I’m not gonna get a lap dance. I’m here for the buffet.'” (video)
• Filipinos crucify themselves for Good Friday. That would be bad ass… if it wasn’t fucking retarded. (video)
• Sarah Palin encourages road rage. “Sarah Palin has already defended her violent rhetoric lately accompanying the crosshairs on her Facebook page ‘targeting’ Democratic Congressional candidates, and now she is basically telling her followers to self-righteously stop traffic and confront drivers of cars with Obama stickers on them–particularly a ‘Subaru’ for some reason? Not VWs or Toyotas? What an easy hipster target missed by the debutante demagogue.” Hey, remember this post about that asshole that rammed a guy’s car for having an Obama bumper sticker? Yeah, not inciting violence, my ass. (article/video)
• Researchers develop a 10 minute HIV test that fits into an iPod case. (article)
• Sweden bans fake boobs. =( (article)
• New Yorkers told to pull their pants up, stop acting ghetto. Sorry, urban. (article)
• The funniest post about hemorrhoids you’ll ever read. (article)
• And, just because: puppies.
  

  Cute Fucking Puppies

“Hard work is trendy again.”

Uncle Sam Wants YOU (to do acid)

• The CIA allegedly drugged a whole village in the south of France with LSD in 1951 by spiking their bread. Americaaaaaaa! Fuck yaaaaa! (article)
• Quite possibly the best argument for Chatroulette. Man in ‘drag’ dancing to Lady Gaga’s Telephone included. (video)
• John Boehner is a douche. Obama/Boehner viral goodness. (video)
• Being a real man is fashionable. “Hard work is trendy again.” (video)
• “Dr. Aubrey Levin, who in South Africa was known as Dr. Shock for his use of electricity to ‘cure’ gay military conscripts, was arrested after a patient secretly filmed the psychiatrist allegedly making sexual advances [on a man] …  Aubrey Levin was guilty of  gross human rights abuses including chemical castration.” (article)

Yoda is a Bad Ass - and He Will Kick Your Ass

• Eight old ass mothafuckas not to mess with from the movies. (videos)
• Poor people, students use library computers. (article)
• Bear cub scared shitless by lion. (video)

“Cutting off a penis can be fatal.”

• Girlfriend breaks up with dude, he  promptly chops off his own penis. Wait, what? (article)

Ugly Kitty Say, "meOw!"

• The 43 most mispronounced food words include “fajita.” What do you MEAN it’s not a fa-jee-ta? I’ll admit it, I didn’t know how to pronounce Paczki (POONCH-key) or Huitlacoche (wheet-lah-KOH-chay, which, hilariously enough is “corn smut”). I’ll probably end up ordering a Packz-key still. (list)
• Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele uses GOP money for sluts, private jets, resorts, Hawaii, hotels, bondage-themed lesbian night clubs... (article)
• How to fail at business: step one – sell soap bars you claim are made from Holocaust victims. step two – see step one. (article)
• German university students will be training to be “authentic” Roman gladiators “at a camp that won’t allow girlfriends, showers, or washing machines.” “For me it’s a welcome change from sitting in front of the computer,” said archaeology student Martin Schreiner. Hmm. We have a feeling he’ll feel right at home. (article)
• This makes me want a cigarette. (graph)
• Ah, the good ol’ days of being a teenager, visiting your friendly neighborhood underage strip joint. (article)
• Remember acting out Scarface for your elementary school play? “You deal coke and you kill people, that’s woooonderful, Tony. You son of a B! I’m leaving you, motherfudger. Fudge you, Tony!” “Okay, you wanna fudge with me? Say hello to my little friend!” I swear to you. Complete with priceless video footage. (video)
  Update: According to TMZ, it’s not a school play. The children are professional child-actors. The video was directed by Marc Klasfeld and Rockhard Films for Gaga’s Pokerface and Adam Lambert’s For Your Entertainment. Here’s a link to better video.

• Hilaaaaarious celeb yearbook photos. (photos)

This is Ryan Motherfucking Seacrest. We know, we can't stop laughing, either.

“Pop stars should not eat,” she pronounced

• How Lady Gaga became the most famous hermaphrodite in the whole world. “In the hallway near her table, families of tourists took pictures of one another with cameras, unaware of her presence, and she recoiled dramatically at every flash. ‘Oh, cameras,’ she said, shielding her eyes. ‘I cannot bear the cameras.'” (article, photos)

• Remember that atomic particle collider that can make tiny black holes? It’s back. Yay! (article)
• Drunken Australian firefighters would like to burn down your house… naked. (article)
• Ugliest Corvette you’ll (hopefully) ever see. (photos)
• Author describes hell: a place where the Tea Party rules ALL – Glennbeckistan. Oh, wait, no, it’s fucking Utah. (article)
• Federal judge tells Myriad Genetics, a company that held the patent to test for ovarian and breast cancer, to suck it. No gene patents no mo’. (article)
• A guide to hitchhiking. (article)
• Apparently, temptation is located in a specific part of your brain. Now you can blame your alcoholism, heroin addiction and increasingly fat ass on your lateral prefrontal cortex (and score smarty points for big words!). (article)
• On a related-ish note.. giant magnets can fuck up your brain’s moral center. So the next time you fuck up, just blame it on a giant magnetic field. (article)
• Chauvinistic, yet oddly homoerotic vintage advertisements. “Is it ALWAYS illegal to kill a woman?” (photos)

Ricky Martin: “I am a homosexual man.” Everyone: Yup.

So, uh, Ricky Martin came out. I am shocked. Shocked, I tell you!

“Why can’t I own a Canadian?”

• World’s ugliest fish is going extinct. Somehow, no one cares.

Yo Momma's Still Uglier

• Dude writes the shittiest movie ever (Battlefield Earth), brags about it, blames it on scientology.
• Asking Google the ultimate question — “Why can’t I own a Canadian?“
• Awesome mothafucka walks into grocery store, leaves without a kidney.
• A vest makes getting hurt in a video game PHYSICALLY hurt. “The feeling of bullet hit, body impact and vibration or a shoulder tap will enhance the gaming experience and fun.” Masochists rejoice.
• Britney Spears, KeSha, a cheeto, a Nazi, a porn star (specializing in goo porn, foot porn and giant porn… as in, sex with giants), Snooki and Octomom all have one thing in common and it’s not their vagiiiiinaaaas. O hai nip-slip just for fun.

Parenting Done Right - Shauna Sand Style

• Drunk guy reeeeally likes (dead) possums.

“Well, Obama’s not going to be tanning.”

• The healthcare bill hates the Jersey Shore. The 10% tax hike means your tanning bed visits might get a leetle more expensive. “I almost think it’s a racist move, if you ask me. Well, Obama’s not going to be tanning.” Nice one, Jersey.
• Suspect breaks into prison after high-speed police chase.
• Who needs a stairway to heaven when you can walk right through the door?
• Do you enjoy midgets singing and dancing? Acting out fairy tales? How about mock-performing Swan Lake? Awesome! This theme park is made for you! “The show’s centerpiece, a farcical rendition of Swan Lake, sees performers both male and female dressed in pink tutus and pretending to be little swans.” Get me on a plane to China RIGHT THIS SECOND.

Little People's Kingdom

• Now you can inhale your coffee. Video complete with a bouncy man in a purple suit and a snooty Frenchman.
• A bar in NYC is setting its menu prices like the stock market. Wall Street douchbaggery welcome.
• Shaoxing, China hates YOU.
• Town named after a “Lord Focko.” Hilarity insues.
• President Obama geeking out – with a Thundercats sword. Oh, apparently he’s also a huge Star Wars fan… so much so that he would buy a Star Wars pop-up book. No joke.